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Month: August, 2013

Something that bothers me…

Growing up I watched a lot of Cold Case Files, American Justice, Rescue 911, The Outer Limits, Unsolved Mysteries, and a little America’s Most Wanted for glitz.

They don’t make shows like that anymore. But I watch a butt-load of I Survived, Live to Tell, 48 Hours, The First 48, and I’m currently watching this last season of Dexter. I only ever saw season 1, so it took me a few episodes and questions to catch up. Anyway, what can I say that hasn’t already been said about it.

But no, no, no. That’s not what is bothering me. What bothers me is how often I’ve heard on mainstream television when talking about a murderer who happens to be white – “now this shocked everyone because he really didn’t look like a killer!” Bullshit. What are the prerequisites for looking like a killer?

And since a majority of these shows are dedicated to “majorities” (who are, ironically and technically minorities by now), there must come a point when one can say of an attractive white woman who slaughters her children or rich man who rapes a woman and think, “Oh, we should have seen that coming.”

Keyboard Diarrhea

I did it. I finally started my stupid Etsy account. I really hate cutesy, twee things and Etsy reeks of that, but I’ve seen some pretty cool stuff on there, too. I should stop hating things not worth thinking about.

So far I only have one painting up and if I know myself well enough, it will also be the last. I really hope I can stick to this.

Next Sunday is my final improv (A) class this term. I’d like to sign up for ‘B’ starting in September, but I can’t afford it at the moment. The level I’m in now set me back $800, and the following class is 6-something (it also includes 4 sessions of cognitive based therapy). Once I get to ‘C’ level, the rates go down considerably since there will be no more CBT.

Most likely I’ll end up taking ‘B’ in October. It will be nice, too, since it will give me something to do once the weather starts to get cold. I hate the cold, but I had being stuck indoors even more. Why did I even move to Chicago? I mean, I know why. I moved her for looooove.

I met my current boyfriend on a message board in 2002. This board is actually tight-knit in a very creepy and dysfunctional way. Tim isn’t even the only guy I’ve met through it. There was also Alex in 2005 (the one who got away. it sucks. i hate myself for that). He lived in the same city as me and we first met when he came to pick me up for bowling (I drank two 40oz. to get ready I was so nervous). And here in Chicago, Tim and I are friends with another couple who also met on this forum. >_<

Tim disliked me for many years because he thought I was a wild and crazy, self-destructive bird. I can see how he would think that, but you best believe I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of me. I pretty much still don’t. I just care about myself more these days.

In 2001, my high school boyfriend introduced me to Counter Strike 1.6 and I got hooked. I eventually joined a clan and got so damn good. No one would ever believe I was a girl even when I would speak on my mic. One boy did start chatting with me, though, and we eventually exchanged aim names and email addresses. By the time I graduated high school in 2003, I was in love with this boy and ran away to Arizona to live with him.

He’s still in my life to this day and will occasionally pop up to ask me if our deal to get married at 30 (if we’re single) is still on. Would be nice, but he’s rather boring. I like boring, though. I like being left alone. But deep-down I don’t think I do. My mind constantly moves in circles and I often think it’d be so much easier to be alone. I always dreamed of being a single mother.

Fast forward all the way to 2010. I was still in contact with Eli, the Counter-Strike boy, and went to visit him in his new home of New York. Ultimately, I found he didn’t offer me enough attention and he didn’t seem to be on the same page when it came to making a commitment. I’m not talking marriage. Fuck that. But I would at least like to live in the same city and state.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. My 2nd anniversary with Tim is coming up this Friday. I painted him a picture, ordered him a science magazine subscription, and am giving him a framed photo of us all dressed up at my cousin’s wedding. My nose looks ugly in the picture, but I know he likes it (the picture, not my nose).

I told my therapist that even though there is no doubt in my mind I love him, I wonder if I should just end our relationship. We explored my feelings (lol) and wondered if own persistent feelings of wanting to disappear and be alone stem from my past extreme fear of abandonment and loss of control…Can’t get abandoned if you leave first. And I only do what I want, so no one to ever be angry with. Plus, I miss having my own bedroom. Am I an asshole? Sometimes I feel like an asshole.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night.

The Conjuring was pretty whack. We downloaded it tonight and even if the Japanese subtitles hadn’t been there, I still would have thought so. I mean, I guess it was okay for a cheesy movie. I can definitely tell they set it up for a part II; people gotta work, I s’pose. 

Today was mostly a day of desperation in trying to fill up time… at least for me. I can’t even remember what I did before therapy @ 10a.m but that was over in a flash and then I came back home to eat. After chowing down on leftovers from last night (spaghetti!) we headed to Open Books (where we only spent $9 on 7 books; being a member pays!) and then back home again.

We took Leon to Palmer Square and an older couple came up to pet him and told us they also walked their cat on a leash. They were at the park for a wedding, which I didn’t understand because that park is not a good park for wedding. I laughed so hard when a car drove by blaring a stereo that completely drowned out whoever was giving a speech. Tim read while I fiddled with our new camera ($10 bucks at a garage sale!). Then some little kids in suits (also from the wedding!) came to pet Leon, too. I think he liked all the attention. 

At the park I said to Tim, “I have a proposition – if my new debit card has come in the mail, will you share some booze with me? I don’t want you to pay for it or anything, but I don’t want to drink alone.” Hesitantly he said yes. Unfortunately, my card had arrived in the mail, so we ended up buying a bottle of wine and drinking it during that shitty ass movie. We must have paused it 5 times just to talk to each other. 

 

Grocery night.

Grocery shopping is about my favorite activity in the world.

Hmm. I thought that may have been an over-statement for a second so I thought about it some more. It really is my favorite. Last night I did the usual inventory of what we had to work with. I decided on some meals based on my findings and wrote down any supplemental ingredients on THE LIST! Then I flipped through some cookbooks and chose out a new recipe or two to try and of course there’s always the standards, which here are arroz con pollo, shepherd’s pie, any pasta with shit-loads of veggies, chicken/cheese/rice/mushroom casserole, and kale with sausage and white beans. And lots of candy, but lately Tim has been trying to curb how much he spends on junk food. Wednesday we worked around that by making brownies with stuff we had in the ”pantry” (a closet we stuffed a shelf into and call a pantry). 

[TANGENT]I’m shocked my bank account isn’t depleted, but it is dangerously close. I almost got upset the other day when I mentioned wanting to buy a dress and Tim asked me not to because “any money you spend is like I’m spending it since you don’t have a job.” I had to bite my tongue because even though ‘FUCK HIM’, I did see the irresponsibility in buying new clothes when 1) NO JOB 2) NOWHERE TO GO (AND EVEN IF I DID GO SOMEWHERE I WOULDN’T HAVE MONEY TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE ‘1’).

However, it propelled me to open an Etsy account and start selling my paintings. Lately (and in the past) I’ve just given them away to family or hid them in my closet, but I figure this is a better and slightly more lucrative idea…Not that my art is anything great! We’ll see. I’m definitely not going to stop looking for a job, but in the meantime I should be more creative about earning monies. I’ve some other ideas kicking around, too.[/TANGENT]

Whatever. 

No one ever grocery shops on Friday night, so Friday night is my favorite night to grocery shop. Plus, it’s almost like a date since so much trekking is involved and we genuinely have a good time at the grocery store together. 

 

Photo on 2013-08-05 at 4.26 PM

Yesterday was wild even though it was totally typical of a Sunday! We had to do some ridiculous exercise at my pre-improv (EBT) session in which our facilitator called on us one by one and then asked if anyone in the room (there were 7 of us) wanted to give a compliment. Said ‘complimentee’ had […]