Keyboard Diarrhea

by shitfiresavematches

I did it. I finally started my stupid Etsy account. I really hate cutesy, twee things and Etsy reeks of that, but I’ve seen some pretty cool stuff on there, too. I should stop hating things not worth thinking about.

So far I only have one painting up and if I know myself well enough, it will also be the last. I really hope I can stick to this.

Next Sunday is my final improv (A) class this term. I’d like to sign up for ‘B’ starting in September, but I can’t afford it at the moment. The level I’m in now set me back $800, and the following class is 6-something (it also includes 4 sessions of cognitive based therapy). Once I get to ‘C’ level, the rates go down considerably since there will be no more CBT.

Most likely I’ll end up taking ‘B’ in October. It will be nice, too, since it will give me something to do once the weather starts to get cold. I hate the cold, but I had being stuck indoors even more. Why did I even move to Chicago? I mean, I know why. I moved her for looooove.

I met my current boyfriend on a message board in 2002. This board is actually tight-knit in a very creepy and dysfunctional way. Tim isn’t even the only guy I’ve met through it. There was also Alex in 2005 (the one who got away. it sucks. i hate myself for that). He lived in the same city as me and we first met when he came to pick me up for bowling (I drank two 40oz. to get ready I was so nervous). And here in Chicago, Tim and I are friends with another couple who also met on this forum. >_<

Tim disliked me for many years because he thought I was a wild and crazy, self-destructive bird. I can see how he would think that, but you best believe I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of me. I pretty much still don’t. I just care about myself more these days.

In 2001, my high school boyfriend introduced me to Counter Strike 1.6 and I got hooked. I eventually joined a clan and got so damn good. No one would ever believe I was a girl even when I would speak on my mic. One boy did start chatting with me, though, and we eventually exchanged aim names and email addresses. By the time I graduated high school in 2003, I was in love with this boy and ran away to Arizona to live with him.

He’s still in my life to this day and will occasionally pop up to ask me if our deal to get married at 30 (if we’re single) is still on. Would be nice, but he’s rather boring. I like boring, though. I like being left alone. But deep-down I don’t think I do. My mind constantly moves in circles and I often think it’d be so much easier to be alone. I always dreamed of being a single mother.

Fast forward all the way to 2010. I was still in contact with Eli, the Counter-Strike boy, and went to visit him in his new home of New York. Ultimately, I found he didn’t offer me enough attention and he didn’t seem to be on the same page when it came to making a commitment. I’m not talking marriage. Fuck that. But I would at least like to live in the same city and state.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. My 2nd anniversary with Tim is coming up this Friday. I painted him a picture, ordered him a science magazine subscription, and am giving him a framed photo of us all dressed up at my cousin’s wedding. My nose looks ugly in the picture, but I know he likes it (the picture, not my nose).

I told my therapist that even though there is no doubt in my mind I love him, I wonder if I should just end our relationship. We explored my feelings (lol) and wondered if own persistent feelings of wanting to disappear and be alone stem from my past extreme fear of abandonment and loss of control…Can’t get abandoned if you leave first. And I only do what I want, so no one to ever be angry with. Plus, I miss having my own bedroom. Am I an asshole? Sometimes I feel like an asshole.

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